i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
