I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
