I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
