my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
