FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
