Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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