i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
