Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
