I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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