I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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