Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
