hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
