she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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