I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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