omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
