My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You're breaking my sexual little heart
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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