it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
