You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
