Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
