I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
