Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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