just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
