Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
