I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
