There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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