the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
