Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
