My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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