if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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