Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
