Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize