I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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