It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
