Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
birth control should be required to get into college
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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