WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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