At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
