At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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