You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
