At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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