You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
