Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
