I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
