normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So vagazzling was a success
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
