I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize