Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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