I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
