anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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