I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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