apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
