i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
