It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
