im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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