those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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