Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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