the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize