You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
