Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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