if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
