Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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