i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize