They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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