My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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