I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
