my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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