I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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