girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My bed is full of blood and feathers
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize